Happiness

"I don't feel like I'm fallin'"

I'm realizing that people aren't as bad as they seem. I can't hate everyone like I say I do. I've decided that I am a loner and I'm okay with that... for the most part. I've never been one to have a true friend, or maybe that's just because I can see the bad in people. I say bad because most aren't good. I really do wish I had a best friend, someone close to me. I guess I could say that I have one but she's more preoccupied with her relationship. She cares, but not enough, or not as much as I'd like her to. That's okay though because I was the same way. I've spent fifteen months with one person. He was my best friend. He was the one I'd run to. Now that he's gone, I have nothing; no one. It makes me wonder if I'm a good person. Maybe people don't like me and that's why I don't have a good friend. I can't see what there isn't to like though. Maybe I'm too much of a nerd or maybe I'm too sarcastic. But I can't be the only person who is like that. Nobody wants to be disliked.

I've gained a lot of new friends recently and that's great. Okay well... they're all guys but who cares?! I just get along with guys more. I suppose it's because I'm "one of the guys" as well... that I'm fine with also. I couldn't ever see myself dating any of them which is good on my part since I fall so easily. I don't know if I'm in with the right crowd but I'll figure that one out eventually. Not everyone is perfect. So so what if this isn't good for me? I'm happy and that's all I want. Happiness is all I need.

I've never been more grateful than I am now. I have had the best weekend ever. I've done so many things I've never done before and hopefully this will break me out of my shell. I need that to happen more than anything. I'm so shy and secluded. I just want to be comfortable all of the time. I want to be comfortable with myself. With this newly acquired group of friends I think I'll be fine. It doesn't matter what sex they are. If I need someone to talk to I can always blog right? I'll find someone someday. Someone to be my best friend, someone to be a good friend, and someone to be my boyfriend. Time will heal.

PS. this blog is not as good as my writing can be. People are reading over my shoulder and it's making me nervous and distracted.
edit later?

Thoughts

"This I need to save: I choose my final thoughts today,
switching off with you."

I've come to realize that I hide my feelings better than I thought anyone ever could. I hide them so well I'm almost convince myself I'm okay. I'm not okay, I'm never okay. You could ask me if I was or how I was feeling and I'd lie. I don't know why it's so evitable for me to explain my feelings. I can see how unhealthy it is on myself. It's like I'm looking at myself through a mirror and I can see the contusions on my body from being uncommunicative.
edit later.