Fading

""

I can feel myself fading. Fading away from the real me. It's like I'm viewing myself in the mirror and I'm not there. My body is standing in front of me but without a heart, a soul. 

Fallen

"and the fight for you is all i'll ever know, so come home."

I'd take the you I'd fallen in love with back in a heartbeat.

Decided

"in the conclusion and the aftermath: you are my signal fire,

the only resolution and the only joy."

I've decided that I can be alone. Seeing the drama and pain I've caused and that has been bestowed upon me, I see that nothing is worth that. Every inch of pain that is similar to a relationship burns my skin as it reminds me of him. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to move on from that.

I gave my heart away to him and I meant it. We exchanged "I love you"s and I know we meant them. He stole my heart before I could say no and he still has it, he always has it. He has left his mark on me and anyone who touches me, including myself, burns, hurts, and brings tears to my eyes. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I am untouched because I'll always belong to him.

There is a cure. The cure isn't a crush or some guy I think is cute or sexy. This cure is much deeper then that. As much as I want to say someone else can cure me, that's not true. I can only cure myself. The cure is the feeling I get when I'm with someone else. The feeling where I forget my past and his curse is lifted from my skin, washed away, erased. I find I have a heart again because it's suddenly racing faster than it has ever raced. That's the cure.

Until then, I have decided I'm done. I am done trying and looking. Life is not about that. The more I realize this the more I see how much I am not ready. My time will come and I will know it because my heart will reappear in between my bones and I will feel whole again.

Realizing

"when the truth is: i miss you...

i should not have let you go."

I don’t know what I feel anymore. I can’t place words that fit into my emotions. The only thing that comes to mind is “fuck, I’m in trouble." I think this because I'm falling into the place I never wanted to find myself in. One day of grief was not enough, not for you. As much as I want to laugh about it now and force my mind to believe, "you're not worth it, you're not worth it," you were, you still are.

One can't forget the first person they loved that loved them back. Maybe I'll be haunted by this forever, some are luckier. I am no longer a strong sturdy building. It seems as if I'm crumbling downwards in a silent black and white movie. My heart aches, it aches, it really aches. I can feel it retching from my throat. It’s cold... maybe because I fucked it all up. When everything is gone, it’s cold, and lonely, and lonesome, and alone.

I can feel myself pushing everything and everyone away from me. This is probably what he wanted. Maybe it's not. Maybe he still has a heart, the heart that he gave away to me. As much as I cringe at your name or ever writing it down again, I know my heart and I know my mind.

So here we go again;

In my heart - I want to forget you.

In my mind - I know better: I won't forget you.

In my body - I crave for your warmth.

In my soul - I can't say, it was stolen away the day you said "I love you."

I don't want to be this way, but there is no remedy. There is no remedy for heartbreak and we all must fight to find our own way to escape. I'm too much of a romantic to escape. Maybe I like the thrill. Maybe I don't. I'm honestly terrified. I don't want to admit it, oh god I have to admit it:

There's only one thing I'm realizing now, I still love you.

Listen

"I can't keep myself from doing something stupid.

I think I'm really falling for his smile."

Heart, mind, body, soul.

Which do I follow?

Yes, no, maybe.

Which do I say?

I know better, oh god do I know better. Yet his eyes keep pulling me

further and further away from where I want to be. Delusions are a

struggle and I can't decide what is real and what is not.

All I know is that in my heart - I need you

In my mind - You're nothing

In my body - I want you

In my soul - We are nothing.

Knowing better isn't strong enough. It doesn't pull your heart away from making stupid decisions like the time when I cried because I didn't hear from you or the time that I drove two hours just to be with you. Then there was that time when I let you kiss me and the time when I gave my heart away so easily. You don't deserve to have it, no you don't deserve to have it.

Your heart holds the strongest emotion. It controls your mind, body, and soul. Don't let it. For the strongest person in the world is the one who can tell their heart to fuck off and listen to their mind and soul.