Realizing

"when the truth is: i miss you...

i should not have let you go."

I don’t know what I feel anymore. I can’t place words that fit into my emotions. The only thing that comes to mind is “fuck, I’m in trouble." I think this because I'm falling into the place I never wanted to find myself in. One day of grief was not enough, not for you. As much as I want to laugh about it now and force my mind to believe, "you're not worth it, you're not worth it," you were, you still are.

One can't forget the first person they loved that loved them back. Maybe I'll be haunted by this forever, some are luckier. I am no longer a strong sturdy building. It seems as if I'm crumbling downwards in a silent black and white movie. My heart aches, it aches, it really aches. I can feel it retching from my throat. It’s cold... maybe because I fucked it all up. When everything is gone, it’s cold, and lonely, and lonesome, and alone.

I can feel myself pushing everything and everyone away from me. This is probably what he wanted. Maybe it's not. Maybe he still has a heart, the heart that he gave away to me. As much as I cringe at your name or ever writing it down again, I know my heart and I know my mind.

So here we go again;

In my heart - I want to forget you.

In my mind - I know better: I won't forget you.

In my body - I crave for your warmth.

In my soul - I can't say, it was stolen away the day you said "I love you."

I don't want to be this way, but there is no remedy. There is no remedy for heartbreak and we all must fight to find our own way to escape. I'm too much of a romantic to escape. Maybe I like the thrill. Maybe I don't. I'm honestly terrified. I don't want to admit it, oh god I have to admit it:

There's only one thing I'm realizing now, I still love you.