Decided

"in the conclusion and the aftermath: you are my signal fire,

the only resolution and the only joy."

I've decided that I can be alone. Seeing the drama and pain I've caused and that has been bestowed upon me, I see that nothing is worth that. Every inch of pain that is similar to a relationship burns my skin as it reminds me of him. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to move on from that.

I gave my heart away to him and I meant it. We exchanged "I love you"s and I know we meant them. He stole my heart before I could say no and he still has it, he always has it. He has left his mark on me and anyone who touches me, including myself, burns, hurts, and brings tears to my eyes. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I am untouched because I'll always belong to him.

There is a cure. The cure isn't a crush or some guy I think is cute or sexy. This cure is much deeper then that. As much as I want to say someone else can cure me, that's not true. I can only cure myself. The cure is the feeling I get when I'm with someone else. The feeling where I forget my past and his curse is lifted from my skin, washed away, erased. I find I have a heart again because it's suddenly racing faster than it has ever raced. That's the cure.

Until then, I have decided I'm done. I am done trying and looking. Life is not about that. The more I realize this the more I see how much I am not ready. My time will come and I will know it because my heart will reappear in between my bones and I will feel whole again.