Alone

"'cause you are the greatest, the greatest disaster."

Without you, I've never felt so alone. I wonder where to run, where to turn. There's nothing I can do but lie in bed and dream about you. The wait is endless and sleep cannot take over me. I'll cover my face in shame and let the tears pour down my face.

I'm not like you, nor will I ever be. I crave for love and affection and no matter how much I give it to you I do not receive it in return. It's not your fault for how you are, maybe I'm too needy. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm jealous. You have people who care about you and I don't. I'm left alone.

So I lie here again tonight, wishing you were with me. Wishing you'd run up the stairs and into my room with the most loving smile on your face. Wishing you'd make me feel like the most important person in your life. But those are just dreams, dreams that'll soon appear as I sleep alone tonight.

Perfection

"did i ask you for attention when affection is what i need?

thinking sorrow is perfection, i would wallow 'til you told me"

It's amazing how one scent, one sound, even the weather, can bring back so many memories. Each one instantly touches your heart and your mind, bringing you back to a significant point in your life where everything was built to perfection.

A scent will fill your nose and give you goosebumps down your arms. It flows through your head and your bloodstream to your heart, which is now beating faster then it ever has before. The memory consumes your thoughts and leaves a smile upon your lips.

A sound will instantly fill your head and cause your heart to race. Your mind wonders, asking questions, causing nervous habits to arise. There may be a pain in your heart at first because you'll think the sound is real, but it's not. Then in an instant, you'll be brought back to those memories and feel an undeniable relief.

The weather causes so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions that your whole body goes crazy. The sun beaming down on your face brings about a surreal happiness that absorbs into your skin, sinking into your heart. The wind twirls around your body and sends chills up your spine, causing your heart to jump. It dances with your heart and the images playing in your mind seem like they were built to perfection.

Reality

"i hate everyone upon this cursed earth"

And the reality of this is...

No one should depend on anyone other then themselves. If you do just that, you'll be fine.

I've always been somewhat of a loner. Not many people like me and I don't like many people. I can't really find why that is. I'm a nice person, I have friends. Maybe I'm just not meant to be one full of popularity. Maybe I'm meant to be the geek. I like being the geek, it doesn't bother me, but lack of friends... that does.

I can honestly say I have four friends. Two guys, two girls. They're not even really friends either. I can't consider them that anymore.

1. You are my boyfriend. Friend may be in that description but you're not my friend at all. I can't talk to you about anything. I fear that you'll judge me. Sure, we talk all the time but that doesn't mean you can be a true friend. You try, you try so hard, but I won't let you in.
2. You read my blogs. You know who you are. Throughout all of this you're the only person who has come close to being a friend to me. Sure, you don't text me unless I text you, but when you do you always check up on me. I know you sincerely care about me. That's something I need.
3. You are always preoccupied with your boyfriend, whether you want to be or don't. He always comes first, not me. I can't handle that. It's not fair that every night you can sleep out it "has to be" with him. Even though that bothers me, you are still my one and only true best friend. You'd do anything for me and I would for you. I just need more of the reassurance.
4. You don't even live in this state anymore. I miss you so much and we talk now more than we did when you lived here. I want to be your room mate so bad. I know I should be, but I can't yet.

And the reality of this is...

People are shitty. No one can ever be truly trusted. People will use you to get to what they want, especially girls. Girls are fucking bitches, I hate them. And as much as I hate them, I wish I had a group of girl friends or at least a true best friend by my side.

Fever

"help i'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer"

I've got a fever for you

and all my friends think I'm crazy.

I may not have that many

but they don't have a clue

what's going through my heart.

My father won't talk to me

if I take you back again.

I got a fever for you

I don't even care about what I'll lose

just to feel your lips pressed against my head

see you naked in my bed,

and I'll wish we could sleep away the mistakes we've made.

I think of the day we met

and now my life's been burning away since then.

honey, you'll never get me back like that again.

I got a fever for you

and what am I supposed to do?

Yeah, I got introduced to this stupid boy

who taught me more than I realized.

I got a fever for you

and that crazy shit you do

like the temper that you lose too fast

and how you don't take orders from anyone,

that's something that I'd never be able to do.

I think of the day we met

and how my life's been burning away since then,

honey, you'll never get me back like that again.

No, you'll never get me back like that again.

Yeah, I got a fever

but I'll sweat it out.

It's just me like before

in my covers right now.

Yeah, I got a fever

But I'll sweat you out.

So now you light up a cigarette

and you think of the day we met,

and how your life's been burning away since then.

honey, you'll never get me back like that again.

no, you'll never get me back like that again.

I just tell it how it is.