fuck this

http://littleindia.tumblr.com/

Butterflies

"quiet but I'm sure there is something here.

tell me all the things that I want to hear."

he still gives me butterflies.

Lost

"it's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking

you would be real happy and healthy and strong and calm.

where does the good go?"

Everything inside of me has crumbled. Remember those astonishing blogs I used to write? Where I actually put time, effort, and my whole heart into it? What happened to that girl?

I feel like I've lost myself, like something died inside of me. I don't express myself anymore like I used to. I don't express myself period. It's like I'm not even the same person. Where did my happiness go? Where did my confidence go? It's like every unique and interesting thing about me evaporated. I need to know how to find myself.

547 Days Ago

"I'm just lying here in the hospital and felt so compelled to finally write you a note sweetheart and what a more appropriate place would there be to do so than on your ipod :) I have such a hard time saying what i'm about to say to you through words. Lately I have been feeling as though I am incapable of being the boyfriend that I should be. You have given me the world and all I have brought to you in return is heartache and greif and for that I am eternally apologetic although I don't show it. I haven't really been able to convey my emotions as of lately. I've been putting up this front in which I come off as someone void of emotion and compassion and I'm trying to change. I've just been going through a lot recently and I think no wait, I know that you deserve to be made to feel like the beautiful soul that you truly are but perhaps more importantly you deserve to be shown the same unconditional love that you show me each and every day. When I tell you that my feelings have not changed for you and that I've never stopped loving you I mean it. It is now from here on out my job to prove it to you. You have done so much for me and I will never take those things for granted as long as I live. I appreciate you and I love you more than any words could ever describe now and forever. I will never take you for granted katy. I messed up and still you forgave me. God I don't deserve you but I still have you and I'm not giving up. We will learn from each other and we will work through our individual shortcomings and our differences because love really does conquer all and my love for you will never cease to exist. I don't give a damn what anyone says or thinks about us. Don't be scared or insecure because at the end of the day you still have me and you will."

the most romantic thing anyone has ever written me. I found my ipod the other day and this was on it...

why do i fucking waste my time.

i feel like everyone around me is breaking up.

i just wish you'd come to my house, quietly come inside, bust open my door, pull me in your arms, and apologize. then kiss me passionately and everything will be okay.

but it's not okay. nothing's okay.

please don't leave me.

sometimes I'll randomly think of you and miss you terribly.

is that wrong?

i hate everything about you.

why do i love you?

that song finally makes sense to me.

love

"i tell everyone that we are through 'cause

i'm so much better than you but it's just another pretty lie,

'cause i break down everytime you come around."

And here we go again...with all the things you said and not a minute spent to think that we'd regret.
So we just take it back, these words and hold our breath, forget the things we swore we meant.

I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not. Well, I'm not.

And here we go again... with all the things we did and now I'm wondering just who would I have been
to be the one attached at all time to your hip? forget the things we swore we meant.

it's amazing how in an instant the most important thing in the world to you disappears. the promises you made are forgotten and nothing matters anymore. love does not conquer all. love is complete and utter bullshit.

i gave you my heart and body and you threw it away like it wasn't that important to you to begin with. i changed myself, broke my morals, and gave you everything and all you can say is "i don't know anymore." my heart can't take this bull shit anymore. i give and i give and all i get in return is nothing. just get fucked over. you can't even help me overcome my fears all you can do is worsen them. i can't sleep. i don't want to eat. i might as well drink myself away to the point where i'm numb.

this pain doesn't hurt as much as it did before. i know how this goes. so all your pictures are gone and the gifts you bought me are destroyed. what's the point in holding on to something that never mattered? i'm back to my old habits and i'm not turning back. if i'm going to give love another chance then you better damn sure fight for me because i'm done. never again. you've failed me twice love... you've failed my family... why should i give you a third chance?

growing

"on your back with your racks as the stacks are your load"

Sometimes I wonder why when we are children we want to grow up so badly. We try so hard to be the best and reach for the stars when really the stars aren't all that bright. I wish I took my time finding those stars because now that I've landed I want nothing more than to disappear into the sky. Between phone bills, health insurance, jobs, schooling, and car payments, becoming an adult seems like the last thing I want to do. I'm not ready to take that step. I'm too young to take that step. Please let me go back to the ground. I don't want the stars anymore.

why

"i'm heavily broken and i don't know what to do.

can't you see that i'm choking and i can't even move?"

Why would you take the most beautiful and perfect person in the world to me and give him a terrible flaw? Why did I have to find these things? God I feel so sick. This is disgusting. Why would you do this to me? Everything was going to be perfect until now. Now I don't know if I can love him anymore...

insecure

"You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's because I deserve better?"

it feels as if everything is different now. my insecurities are now eating me alive. what do you see through your eyes? what is going on in your mind? I hope you aren't thinking about what tears me a part. i haven't felt like this since the last person cheated on me. i absolutely feel cheated on. is that so wrong? you broke my heart.

dream

"your reflection I've erased like a thousand burned out yesterdays.

believe me when I say goodbye forever"

I couldn't look in your eyes for I know if I'd fall for you again. Nothing beats the color of your eyes. I could see the beauty and the love in them. Your eyes are like an ocean and I'm drowning for your love. In almost an instant, I was awake in my bed. My head was spinning and I felt hungover yet I wasn't intoxicated. Then the question repeated over and over again; was it a dream? I might as well pretend it wasn't because it was never meant to happen. It was a dream; a wonderful, amazing, exciting dream that lasted once in a lifetime.

Consuming

"set me free, leave me be.

i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."

you consume my dreams.

why would you do that to me?

tell me, why am I so afraid to shut my eyes?

here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me... and all over me

Change

"i'm miles from where you are. i lay down on the cold ground.

i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms."

Change is good right? Then why does it feel so wrong?

I wanna go back... back to the way things used to be, back when you loved me more.

I miss the texts you'd constantly send me. I miss you wanting to be with me everyday even if it was just for a second. I miss the look you used to give me, like I was the most amazing girl in the world. I miss you telling me how pretty I am and how perfect I am. I miss the way you'd stumble on your words because you were afraid of saying the wrong thing. I miss the way you'd hold my hand, like you were showing me off to the world. I miss knowing that you thought you were the luckiest person in the world to have me. I miss being able to tell you everything. I miss how excited you'd get when we had a sleepover. I miss the nervousness you had around me everytime we kissed. I miss you wanting to take me to dinner and surprising me with roses.

Could I tell you that now? No because you've changed. You're not the hopeless romantic I thought you were. I thought we were perfect for each other but as each day goes on I see that we're not.

The thing is, you wouldn't change for me if I told you this. You'd tell me to fuck off and have a nice life without you. Why is that? Why is it so different now? Is it my fault or was that all just an act to get me? I know I should let you go, I'm never going to be happy. But I can't... I can't be alone... and that's one thing that'll never change.