Cancer

"i'm tasting nothing but four words;
please don't leave me."

An evil condition or thing that spreads destructively. It destroys the body, steals your soul. One originating in epithelium, tending to recur after excision and to metastasize to other sites. It never leaves and nothing can abolish it. It won't stop, it'll never stop.

It not only annihilates the carrier, it demolishes the people around it. Taking as it spreads, it's eventually going to reach us all. There is no more hope, no more faith, no more trust. Security is unattainable.

What happens when trust is lost? Where do we run to when everything and everyone vanishes before our eyes? When all seems lost, our very existence is perishable. All we can do is run. Run down that road that we can't define. Run down that road without knowing where we will go. For there is always a road we must follow and one road may be the only one to lead us home.

death is the road to awe.

Not Alone

"my last wish is that you do this with me"

Where will I be a few months from now? Will I still be the broken person I am today? Will I still be a stupid naive girl with no clue of what the world has in store for me... what God has in store for me? I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be shy and distant.

Slowly I'm forming into this person I don't know. When will it end? I'm done listening to my heart. Whoever said to do that is a idiot. Life isn't about relationships and romance. It's about learning to grow into the person we're supposed to be. Not other people, one person; you.

I'm leaving soon, thank God. Then maybe this will all be gone. The history will always remain but at least no one will be around to remind me of it. I just wish my life was like the way media portrays it to be. Not everything has a happy ending. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone wants to live. Not everyone is not alone. I just wish there was someone to save me. I know that's meant for a later date (aka marriage) but maybe someone to hold me up for the mean time. I know I don't need it, but it's nice. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Most people go years without being with someone. I know I could too but I'm just in love with being in love.

Wasting Away

"the best thing that has ever happened to you;
you know I wanna be it."

I feel like a part of me is missing. I used to have a purpose, a reason to live. Now I just feel broken and empty. There is a hole in my heart that needs to be filled and every person that comes along just makes it deeper and wider to the point where I can't feel anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. All I feel like I can do is sulk and I know better then that. Emptiness is unbearable. This is unbearable. Some days I feel like I'm just wasting away.

you disappeared but the history is still here...

Silence

"i'm broken when i'm lonesome and
i don't feel like i am strong enough."

I remember it well...
the days like the one today would be perfection.
I would skip school for you; you would lie for me.
You welcomed me with open arms into the bed
and we would hold each other as the warmth of
our bodies united. Kisses were exchanged every
where and the silence was often broken by short
giggles and whispers of "I love you." We knew it
was wrong, but it felt so right. Our eyes would
close and our breathing would become slower
but more heavy. We'd fall asleep in each others
arms in the silence. The silence of perfection.
I wish I could experience that with someone new
but for now I'm left to sleep alone...

it's not you i miss... just the feelings we shared.

Goodbye

"oh I do believe in all the things you say."

In an instant you're gone.
Was it all my fault? Was I the reason I lost??
I couldn't have helped falling for your eyes, that smile I adored, the things you said. It's not my fault you were so damn adorable. So what now? I will wait but was going through all of this worth it? Will it all be worth it in the end?

"there will always be a chance for us"

It's always on my mind. I know better then to dwell on it. She had her chance, where's mine? I remember when you'd drive to my house in the middle of the night... I remember how it's never going to happen again. This is as real as it gets. This isn't a fairy tale. Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. I should have known.
We all have so much faith and hope in people. Everyone lets us down. Will there ever be a chance in life or us to meet one decent person? I doubt it. We're all mad here.

The secret it out. Goodbye.

Apology

"feels like I've been awakened, every rule I had you breakin'.
it's the risk that I'm takin'. I ain't ever gonna shut you out."

Apologies are never what they used to be anymore. They're just words just like "I love you." I'm sorry... means nothing. Forgiveness is the disposition or willingness to forgive. To forgive is ceasing to feel resentment again. This shouldn't be lightly handled with.

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from. Am I going to learn from this? Will you learn from this?

All I can say is that I'm truly sorry. I need forgiveness. This is not what I wanted even if I said I didn't know what I want. I want you to be happy and if you are then let's do this. Let's take an uncontrollable leap of faith together.

Feelings

"I should have never thought of you, of you. you're pushing

and pulling me down to you but I don't know what I want."

I never know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so concerned about doing the right thing I forget that I have my own happiness to think of. I'm sure my happiness is not worth the expense of someone else's but everyone deserves to be happy at some point right? I don't know what I want. I have too many feelings and I'm sick of listening to my heart instead of my mind. I'm smarter then that. I know better then that.

I need to reinvent myself. I can't wait to get out of here. I need to learn to stop and just think about myself and my future instead of minor things. Nothing really matters anymore. I'm always so damn confused. Contimplating this and that. I don't want to mess anything up yet I want what I want when I want it. That's how it always is. We all want something and we all fight for it if we have the guts. I can't fight for this. I shouldn't fight for this. Fuck this blog.