Mistake

"energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it, you don't deserve this.

but i wish you did 'cause i can't live with the thought of it."

A door may open, but it may not be the right one. The options are limitless. There is never just one choice; so how do we choose the right one? It's hard to forget and it's hard to forgive. Mistakes are simply regrets. You can't explore your options without receiving an attachment. Your only choice is to take an uncontrollable leap of faith.

Bearing faith isn't easy. You put your heart out and it gets thrown right back in your face. Trust isn't real. Anyone who has it is completely naive. The world is created to let you down. You'd be wise to learn from it instead of wallow in your pain. My time will come and so will yours. The hurt is intolerable, etching into your skin, but you have to be strong. For where would we be today without a little strength?

Chance

"you lift my feet off the ground,

you spin me around, you make me crazier"

When one door closes, another opens. The world is filled with endless opportunities and chances to be found. We don't realize this and sometimes we take it for granted. I know that I have and in a way it makes me feel better to recognize my mistakes. It may be easily forgotten, but there's always a second chance to learn again.

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It’s not that we don’t want to, but too much has happened and we can’t. I didn't believe I would ever move on. I didn't believe I'd find someone else. I didn't believe I cold ever be the lucky one again. Days, weeks, months, endless hours have passed. I feel like I can finally let go of it all. I want to love again and I'm not going to let you get the best of me.

I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I want a steady hand to hold mine, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love and be loved.

Just let me know...

Inequitable

"so i guess you're too blame for these walls i cant break down

and i shrink so small whenever you're around."

The most inequitable thing to me recently is the fact that someone so cruel and unworthy can hold the happiness that I long to have. Comparing the two of us you could say that I am the better person. I deserve this and they don't. I am a good person so why do good things never happen to me?

I suppose everyone is allowed a chance at happiness. Maybe it's their turn. Maybe I just have to wait. The wait is unbearable. It's easy to swallow and hide it from the eyes of the world but deep down it tears you a part. You are obscurely broken and even though it's concealed it still hurts all the same. So here you are beside yourself again, torn a part by words someone has said. When will it be fair? Or will it never be that way?

Fear

"Everyone has someone except for me.

I don't want to be left behind."

I have come to realize that no matter how many people say it's not true, everyone is the same. This love game people consistently play is getting old. I am so sick of broken hearts and no one else being there to pick up the pieces.

I thought at least some people were different, but they're not. Even my dad is doing it. Knowing that destroys my every hope of falling in love again. If he can break hearts like it's no big deal then there's no hope for anyone. It's the biggest disappointment I have ever faced. I've lost every inch of faith. What makes someone want to be this way? Selfishness? Just pure enjoyment of hurting others? There any many reasons and each one is wrong. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Love is the strongest emotion. Thats why everything always revolves around it. If it's the strongest emotion then why the hell is it so meaningless? You'd think it would be perceived as something godlike, but it'll never be that way. There's no hope for us anymore. We are all damned. 

Curiosity

"I won't give up, I can't give in. Can't get enough, where to begin?"

As each day passes by I find myself more alone then ever. Some days I'll start to feel like I've finally been accepted, wanted, but the feeling consistently fades away by nightfall. These feelings make me wonder if I'm okay, if I'm even "normal". I just want these feelings to escape my heart and my mind. They put me at such a low I can't even feel anything.

I know now more then ever that I need to get away. The people that I've been surrounding myself with are not good for me. There are too many memories and judgements. I'm sick of not being able to go somewhere because somebody else is there that doesn't like me or isn't allowed to like me. It's pathetic middle school shit and I'm done pretending it's going to get better. It's never going to get better. These people should not be the ones I rely on.

Lately I can only trust a few people. Only a selected few have been there for me. I can probably say that I have only one friend. She's been the only one there for me and I talk to her everyday. I don't know who else I would hangout with if it wasn't for her. So onto a deeper feeling, curiosity. What has God in store for me now?

Happiness

"I don't feel like I'm fallin'"

I'm realizing that people aren't as bad as they seem. I can't hate everyone like I say I do. I've decided that I am a loner and I'm okay with that... for the most part. I've never been one to have a true friend, or maybe that's just because I can see the bad in people. I say bad because most aren't good. I really do wish I had a best friend, someone close to me. I guess I could say that I have one but she's more preoccupied with her relationship. She cares, but not enough, or not as much as I'd like her to. That's okay though because I was the same way. I've spent fifteen months with one person. He was my best friend. He was the one I'd run to. Now that he's gone, I have nothing; no one. It makes me wonder if I'm a good person. Maybe people don't like me and that's why I don't have a good friend. I can't see what there isn't to like though. Maybe I'm too much of a nerd or maybe I'm too sarcastic. But I can't be the only person who is like that. Nobody wants to be disliked.

I've gained a lot of new friends recently and that's great. Okay well... they're all guys but who cares?! I just get along with guys more. I suppose it's because I'm "one of the guys" as well... that I'm fine with also. I couldn't ever see myself dating any of them which is good on my part since I fall so easily. I don't know if I'm in with the right crowd but I'll figure that one out eventually. Not everyone is perfect. So so what if this isn't good for me? I'm happy and that's all I want. Happiness is all I need.

I've never been more grateful than I am now. I have had the best weekend ever. I've done so many things I've never done before and hopefully this will break me out of my shell. I need that to happen more than anything. I'm so shy and secluded. I just want to be comfortable all of the time. I want to be comfortable with myself. With this newly acquired group of friends I think I'll be fine. It doesn't matter what sex they are. If I need someone to talk to I can always blog right? I'll find someone someday. Someone to be my best friend, someone to be a good friend, and someone to be my boyfriend. Time will heal.

PS. this blog is not as good as my writing can be. People are reading over my shoulder and it's making me nervous and distracted.
edit later?

Thoughts

"This I need to save: I choose my final thoughts today,
switching off with you."

I've come to realize that I hide my feelings better than I thought anyone ever could. I hide them so well I'm almost convince myself I'm okay. I'm not okay, I'm never okay. You could ask me if I was or how I was feeling and I'd lie. I don't know why it's so evitable for me to explain my feelings. I can see how unhealthy it is on myself. It's like I'm looking at myself through a mirror and I can see the contusions on my body from being uncommunicative.
edit later.