fucking faggot.

Gone

"i love you enough to let you go."

remember all the things we wanted

now all our memories, they're haunted

we were always meant to say goodbye.

even with our fists held high

it never would've worked out right

we were never meant for do or die.

i didn't want us to burn out

i didn't come here to hold you, now i can't stop.

i want you to know that it doesn't matter

where we take this road, someone's gotta go

and i want you to know you couldn't have loved me better

but i want you to move on so i'm already gone.

looking at you makes it harder

but i know that you'll find another

that doesn't always make you want to cry

started with a perfect kiss, then we could feel the poison set in

perfect couldn't keep this love alive

you know that i love you so, i love you enough to let you go.

Right

"true love waits"

If this is the right decision, the right choice, the right thing for us; the right thing for you, the right thing for me.

If this is the right way to feel, the right way to think, the right way to live, the right thing to do.

If this is the right way to go or the right path to choose...

then why do I feel so heartbroken?

Alone

"'cause you are the greatest, the greatest disaster."

Without you, I've never felt so alone. I wonder where to run, where to turn. There's nothing I can do but lie in bed and dream about you. The wait is endless and sleep cannot take over me. I'll cover my face in shame and let the tears pour down my face.

I'm not like you, nor will I ever be. I crave for love and affection and no matter how much I give it to you I do not receive it in return. It's not your fault for how you are, maybe I'm too needy. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm jealous. You have people who care about you and I don't. I'm left alone.

So I lie here again tonight, wishing you were with me. Wishing you'd run up the stairs and into my room with the most loving smile on your face. Wishing you'd make me feel like the most important person in your life. But those are just dreams, dreams that'll soon appear as I sleep alone tonight.

Perfection

"did i ask you for attention when affection is what i need?

thinking sorrow is perfection, i would wallow 'til you told me"

It's amazing how one scent, one sound, even the weather, can bring back so many memories. Each one instantly touches your heart and your mind, bringing you back to a significant point in your life where everything was built to perfection.

A scent will fill your nose and give you goosebumps down your arms. It flows through your head and your bloodstream to your heart, which is now beating faster then it ever has before. The memory consumes your thoughts and leaves a smile upon your lips.

A sound will instantly fill your head and cause your heart to race. Your mind wonders, asking questions, causing nervous habits to arise. There may be a pain in your heart at first because you'll think the sound is real, but it's not. Then in an instant, you'll be brought back to those memories and feel an undeniable relief.

The weather causes so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions that your whole body goes crazy. The sun beaming down on your face brings about a surreal happiness that absorbs into your skin, sinking into your heart. The wind twirls around your body and sends chills up your spine, causing your heart to jump. It dances with your heart and the images playing in your mind seem like they were built to perfection.

Reality

"i hate everyone upon this cursed earth"

And the reality of this is...

No one should depend on anyone other then themselves. If you do just that, you'll be fine.

I've always been somewhat of a loner. Not many people like me and I don't like many people. I can't really find why that is. I'm a nice person, I have friends. Maybe I'm just not meant to be one full of popularity. Maybe I'm meant to be the geek. I like being the geek, it doesn't bother me, but lack of friends... that does.

I can honestly say I have four friends. Two guys, two girls. They're not even really friends either. I can't consider them that anymore.

1. You are my boyfriend. Friend may be in that description but you're not my friend at all. I can't talk to you about anything. I fear that you'll judge me. Sure, we talk all the time but that doesn't mean you can be a true friend. You try, you try so hard, but I won't let you in.
2. You read my blogs. You know who you are. Throughout all of this you're the only person who has come close to being a friend to me. Sure, you don't text me unless I text you, but when you do you always check up on me. I know you sincerely care about me. That's something I need.
3. You are always preoccupied with your boyfriend, whether you want to be or don't. He always comes first, not me. I can't handle that. It's not fair that every night you can sleep out it "has to be" with him. Even though that bothers me, you are still my one and only true best friend. You'd do anything for me and I would for you. I just need more of the reassurance.
4. You don't even live in this state anymore. I miss you so much and we talk now more than we did when you lived here. I want to be your room mate so bad. I know I should be, but I can't yet.

And the reality of this is...

People are shitty. No one can ever be truly trusted. People will use you to get to what they want, especially girls. Girls are fucking bitches, I hate them. And as much as I hate them, I wish I had a group of girl friends or at least a true best friend by my side.

Fever

"help i'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer"

I've got a fever for you

and all my friends think I'm crazy.

I may not have that many

but they don't have a clue

what's going through my heart.

My father won't talk to me

if I take you back again.

I got a fever for you

I don't even care about what I'll lose

just to feel your lips pressed against my head

see you naked in my bed,

and I'll wish we could sleep away the mistakes we've made.

I think of the day we met

and now my life's been burning away since then.

honey, you'll never get me back like that again.

I got a fever for you

and what am I supposed to do?

Yeah, I got introduced to this stupid boy

who taught me more than I realized.

I got a fever for you

and that crazy shit you do

like the temper that you lose too fast

and how you don't take orders from anyone,

that's something that I'd never be able to do.

I think of the day we met

and how my life's been burning away since then,

honey, you'll never get me back like that again.

No, you'll never get me back like that again.

Yeah, I got a fever

but I'll sweat it out.

It's just me like before

in my covers right now.

Yeah, I got a fever

But I'll sweat you out.

So now you light up a cigarette

and you think of the day we met,

and how your life's been burning away since then.

honey, you'll never get me back like that again.

no, you'll never get me back like that again.

I just tell it how it is.

Truth

"did you know i've missed you, oh god i miss you."

And the truth is...

I'm not ready, I'll never be ready. I want so badly for me to be able to reach out and set myself free of the bond you've confined me in. Then I stop and realize I can't. I'm not strong enough to survive this on my own anymore. You've torn apart every inch of me. It's like if I break free from my cage my feet will burn on the ground. I'd be safer in the cage, but I crave for the adventure only because the curiosity is so intriguing. The cage is safer, the cage is safer.

I want to find where I belong. Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I see you for the first time in over five months. Amazing. Five months and I still feel like my heart is going to break. You do that to me. You hold that power over me. Maybe that's unhealthy. I don't know.

The truth is...

I should find happiness for everyone deserves to be happy.

Truthfully, I'd be happier back with you.

Crazy

"you're crazy, you make me so helpless,

i hate who i have to be without you next to me."

Am I going to spend forever wishing, wasting away?

I wish I never fucking met you.

the moments spent together went by too fast.

they slipped right through both our hands.

then I stop and think...

I don't need you,

but I hate how you feel like home.

I find a comfort with you that I don't see in anyone else.

Another part of me hates who you are.

Fuck up your life, do some drugs, tell some lies, cheat once or twice.

If that is what you want to be, then be it without me.

I don't need you, I know I don't need you at all.

Now you're lying in your bed, staring at the place

where I used to lay. I won't be there and you'll

hate that I'm in your head. You already do hate

that I'm in your head.

Let me tell you something...

you're fucking crazy!!

but you make me so helpless.

Without you I'm nothing, I'm not who I want to be.

I hate who I have to be without you next to me...

without you loving me.

but you're crazy, you're selfish.

Forgive

"i always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you wanna talk.

it's not hard to dream, you'll always be my konstantine."

August 6, 2009 10:42 AM

"I'm sorry.

I'm not going to text you or bother you again. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still not over you and wish that I was. I'm sure you're way over me and as embarrassing as this is, I need to tell you that you still consume my thoughts and invade my dreams every single day and it's killing me. I know I messed up everything, so for that I eternally apologize. I treated you badly, I screwed up; not you. I'm never going to find another you and it took me a while to realize it.

I'm sorry, I hope you've found happiness because I'm living a lie, that's all I needed to say."

--

You're sorry? You think saying your sorry is enough? No one should forgive anyone for the kind of shit you pulled. You put me through hell. I have never endured that much pain in my entire life. I loved you through all of it, and I still do.

I hope you miss me, I hope thinking about me eats you alive. You deserve worse then that, hell, you don't even deserve this blog or any of the others I posted. You are a piece of shit. You don't deserve me at all. It's too late to apologize now. It's too late.

The worst part about this is that I still belong to you, now more than ever. You are the only person I can be with. I gave myself to you, I gave my heart to you. You're burned into my skin. My other blogs just back up how I feel now. It's all true, it's all real. We belong together. I don't care if it's crazy or fucked up. If I'm happy and with you, that's all that matters. It's not too late, it's never too late.

Fading

""

I can feel myself fading. Fading away from the real me. It's like I'm viewing myself in the mirror and I'm not there. My body is standing in front of me but without a heart, a soul. 

Fallen

"and the fight for you is all i'll ever know, so come home."

I'd take the you I'd fallen in love with back in a heartbeat.

Decided

"in the conclusion and the aftermath: you are my signal fire,

the only resolution and the only joy."

I've decided that I can be alone. Seeing the drama and pain I've caused and that has been bestowed upon me, I see that nothing is worth that. Every inch of pain that is similar to a relationship burns my skin as it reminds me of him. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to move on from that.

I gave my heart away to him and I meant it. We exchanged "I love you"s and I know we meant them. He stole my heart before I could say no and he still has it, he always has it. He has left his mark on me and anyone who touches me, including myself, burns, hurts, and brings tears to my eyes. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I am untouched because I'll always belong to him.

There is a cure. The cure isn't a crush or some guy I think is cute or sexy. This cure is much deeper then that. As much as I want to say someone else can cure me, that's not true. I can only cure myself. The cure is the feeling I get when I'm with someone else. The feeling where I forget my past and his curse is lifted from my skin, washed away, erased. I find I have a heart again because it's suddenly racing faster than it has ever raced. That's the cure.

Until then, I have decided I'm done. I am done trying and looking. Life is not about that. The more I realize this the more I see how much I am not ready. My time will come and I will know it because my heart will reappear in between my bones and I will feel whole again.

Realizing

"when the truth is: i miss you...

i should not have let you go."

I don’t know what I feel anymore. I can’t place words that fit into my emotions. The only thing that comes to mind is “fuck, I’m in trouble." I think this because I'm falling into the place I never wanted to find myself in. One day of grief was not enough, not for you. As much as I want to laugh about it now and force my mind to believe, "you're not worth it, you're not worth it," you were, you still are.

One can't forget the first person they loved that loved them back. Maybe I'll be haunted by this forever, some are luckier. I am no longer a strong sturdy building. It seems as if I'm crumbling downwards in a silent black and white movie. My heart aches, it aches, it really aches. I can feel it retching from my throat. It’s cold... maybe because I fucked it all up. When everything is gone, it’s cold, and lonely, and lonesome, and alone.

I can feel myself pushing everything and everyone away from me. This is probably what he wanted. Maybe it's not. Maybe he still has a heart, the heart that he gave away to me. As much as I cringe at your name or ever writing it down again, I know my heart and I know my mind.

So here we go again;

In my heart - I want to forget you.

In my mind - I know better: I won't forget you.

In my body - I crave for your warmth.

In my soul - I can't say, it was stolen away the day you said "I love you."

I don't want to be this way, but there is no remedy. There is no remedy for heartbreak and we all must fight to find our own way to escape. I'm too much of a romantic to escape. Maybe I like the thrill. Maybe I don't. I'm honestly terrified. I don't want to admit it, oh god I have to admit it:

There's only one thing I'm realizing now, I still love you.

Listen

"I can't keep myself from doing something stupid.

I think I'm really falling for his smile."

Heart, mind, body, soul.

Which do I follow?

Yes, no, maybe.

Which do I say?

I know better, oh god do I know better. Yet his eyes keep pulling me

further and further away from where I want to be. Delusions are a

struggle and I can't decide what is real and what is not.

All I know is that in my heart - I need you

In my mind - You're nothing

In my body - I want you

In my soul - We are nothing.

Knowing better isn't strong enough. It doesn't pull your heart away from making stupid decisions like the time when I cried because I didn't hear from you or the time that I drove two hours just to be with you. Then there was that time when I let you kiss me and the time when I gave my heart away so easily. You don't deserve to have it, no you don't deserve to have it.

Your heart holds the strongest emotion. It controls your mind, body, and soul. Don't let it. For the strongest person in the world is the one who can tell their heart to fuck off and listen to their mind and soul.

Regret

"i'm heavily broken and it's all because of you."

I know better and I deserve better, but I miss you.

Mistake

"energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it, you don't deserve this.

but i wish you did 'cause i can't live with the thought of it."

A door may open, but it may not be the right one. The options are limitless. There is never just one choice; so how do we choose the right one? It's hard to forget and it's hard to forgive. Mistakes are simply regrets. You can't explore your options without receiving an attachment. Your only choice is to take an uncontrollable leap of faith.

Bearing faith isn't easy. You put your heart out and it gets thrown right back in your face. Trust isn't real. Anyone who has it is completely naive. The world is created to let you down. You'd be wise to learn from it instead of wallow in your pain. My time will come and so will yours. The hurt is intolerable, etching into your skin, but you have to be strong. For where would we be today without a little strength?

Chance

"you lift my feet off the ground,

you spin me around, you make me crazier"

When one door closes, another opens. The world is filled with endless opportunities and chances to be found. We don't realize this and sometimes we take it for granted. I know that I have and in a way it makes me feel better to recognize my mistakes. It may be easily forgotten, but there's always a second chance to learn again.

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It’s not that we don’t want to, but too much has happened and we can’t. I didn't believe I would ever move on. I didn't believe I'd find someone else. I didn't believe I cold ever be the lucky one again. Days, weeks, months, endless hours have passed. I feel like I can finally let go of it all. I want to love again and I'm not going to let you get the best of me.

I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I want a steady hand to hold mine, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love and be loved.

Just let me know...

Inequitable

"so i guess you're too blame for these walls i cant break down

and i shrink so small whenever you're around."

The most inequitable thing to me recently is the fact that someone so cruel and unworthy can hold the happiness that I long to have. Comparing the two of us you could say that I am the better person. I deserve this and they don't. I am a good person so why do good things never happen to me?

I suppose everyone is allowed a chance at happiness. Maybe it's their turn. Maybe I just have to wait. The wait is unbearable. It's easy to swallow and hide it from the eyes of the world but deep down it tears you a part. You are obscurely broken and even though it's concealed it still hurts all the same. So here you are beside yourself again, torn a part by words someone has said. When will it be fair? Or will it never be that way?

Fear

"Everyone has someone except for me.

I don't want to be left behind."

I have come to realize that no matter how many people say it's not true, everyone is the same. This love game people consistently play is getting old. I am so sick of broken hearts and no one else being there to pick up the pieces.

I thought at least some people were different, but they're not. Even my dad is doing it. Knowing that destroys my every hope of falling in love again. If he can break hearts like it's no big deal then there's no hope for anyone. It's the biggest disappointment I have ever faced. I've lost every inch of faith. What makes someone want to be this way? Selfishness? Just pure enjoyment of hurting others? There any many reasons and each one is wrong. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Love is the strongest emotion. Thats why everything always revolves around it. If it's the strongest emotion then why the hell is it so meaningless? You'd think it would be perceived as something godlike, but it'll never be that way. There's no hope for us anymore. We are all damned. 

Curiosity

"I won't give up, I can't give in. Can't get enough, where to begin?"

As each day passes by I find myself more alone then ever. Some days I'll start to feel like I've finally been accepted, wanted, but the feeling consistently fades away by nightfall. These feelings make me wonder if I'm okay, if I'm even "normal". I just want these feelings to escape my heart and my mind. They put me at such a low I can't even feel anything.

I know now more then ever that I need to get away. The people that I've been surrounding myself with are not good for me. There are too many memories and judgements. I'm sick of not being able to go somewhere because somebody else is there that doesn't like me or isn't allowed to like me. It's pathetic middle school shit and I'm done pretending it's going to get better. It's never going to get better. These people should not be the ones I rely on.

Lately I can only trust a few people. Only a selected few have been there for me. I can probably say that I have only one friend. She's been the only one there for me and I talk to her everyday. I don't know who else I would hangout with if it wasn't for her. So onto a deeper feeling, curiosity. What has God in store for me now?

Happiness

"I don't feel like I'm fallin'"

I'm realizing that people aren't as bad as they seem. I can't hate everyone like I say I do. I've decided that I am a loner and I'm okay with that... for the most part. I've never been one to have a true friend, or maybe that's just because I can see the bad in people. I say bad because most aren't good. I really do wish I had a best friend, someone close to me. I guess I could say that I have one but she's more preoccupied with her relationship. She cares, but not enough, or not as much as I'd like her to. That's okay though because I was the same way. I've spent fifteen months with one person. He was my best friend. He was the one I'd run to. Now that he's gone, I have nothing; no one. It makes me wonder if I'm a good person. Maybe people don't like me and that's why I don't have a good friend. I can't see what there isn't to like though. Maybe I'm too much of a nerd or maybe I'm too sarcastic. But I can't be the only person who is like that. Nobody wants to be disliked.

I've gained a lot of new friends recently and that's great. Okay well... they're all guys but who cares?! I just get along with guys more. I suppose it's because I'm "one of the guys" as well... that I'm fine with also. I couldn't ever see myself dating any of them which is good on my part since I fall so easily. I don't know if I'm in with the right crowd but I'll figure that one out eventually. Not everyone is perfect. So so what if this isn't good for me? I'm happy and that's all I want. Happiness is all I need.

I've never been more grateful than I am now. I have had the best weekend ever. I've done so many things I've never done before and hopefully this will break me out of my shell. I need that to happen more than anything. I'm so shy and secluded. I just want to be comfortable all of the time. I want to be comfortable with myself. With this newly acquired group of friends I think I'll be fine. It doesn't matter what sex they are. If I need someone to talk to I can always blog right? I'll find someone someday. Someone to be my best friend, someone to be a good friend, and someone to be my boyfriend. Time will heal.

PS. this blog is not as good as my writing can be. People are reading over my shoulder and it's making me nervous and distracted.
edit later?

Thoughts

"This I need to save: I choose my final thoughts today,
switching off with you."

I've come to realize that I hide my feelings better than I thought anyone ever could. I hide them so well I'm almost convince myself I'm okay. I'm not okay, I'm never okay. You could ask me if I was or how I was feeling and I'd lie. I don't know why it's so evitable for me to explain my feelings. I can see how unhealthy it is on myself. It's like I'm looking at myself through a mirror and I can see the contusions on my body from being uncommunicative.
edit later.

Haunted

"I might see you in my nightmares. Oh how did you get there?
'cause we were once a fairytale, but this is farewell."

I can't escape my mind. I can't escape from you. It's like everything I do, everywhere I've been, you're there. Sometimes I want to pull out my hair and scream. Sometimes I just break down and cry. I'm being haunted by the ghost of who you once were; who we once were.

I don't sleep. Dreams of you consume me. They're more like nightmares because I don't want them there; I don't want you there. It makes me wonder if you've truly left my heart and not the you who you are now, but who you used to be. The person you were with me.

I lost you to a drug, how pathetic is that? It changed you. It destroyed you. It changed and destroyed us. How am I supposed to forget 450 days of my life spent with you? Is this normal? Am I not supposed to be over this yet?

Just get the fuck out of my head!

Uncertainty

"I shouldn't love you, but I want to. I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move. I can't look away."

He's perfect yet completely unattainable
His uncertainty is killing me
This is the last place I want to be
To be the last place in your mind
Maybe we've gone too deep
But your uncertainty is killing me.

This came unexpectedly
But there is so much we don't know
Like the love we could share together
Or how we'd mean it when we whisper "forever."
I guess for now I'm on my own.

The weeks pass by
But in my heart and in my mind
You won't leave me broken
'Cause you can't deny there is something here
Something that you know you can mend
So baby don't leave me hangin'
I need you to lose this uncertainty
And realize you belong with me.

I wrote that listening to "Uncertainty" by The Fray, so I kind of copped some of their lyrics but who cares. My feelings, my words, my thoughts, I feel the same.

Cancer

"i'm tasting nothing but four words;
please don't leave me."

An evil condition or thing that spreads destructively. It destroys the body, steals your soul. One originating in epithelium, tending to recur after excision and to metastasize to other sites. It never leaves and nothing can abolish it. It won't stop, it'll never stop.

It not only annihilates the carrier, it demolishes the people around it. Taking as it spreads, it's eventually going to reach us all. There is no more hope, no more faith, no more trust. Security is unattainable.

What happens when trust is lost? Where do we run to when everything and everyone vanishes before our eyes? When all seems lost, our very existence is perishable. All we can do is run. Run down that road that we can't define. Run down that road without knowing where we will go. For there is always a road we must follow and one road may be the only one to lead us home.

death is the road to awe.

Not Alone

"my last wish is that you do this with me"

Where will I be a few months from now? Will I still be the broken person I am today? Will I still be a stupid naive girl with no clue of what the world has in store for me... what God has in store for me? I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be shy and distant.

Slowly I'm forming into this person I don't know. When will it end? I'm done listening to my heart. Whoever said to do that is a idiot. Life isn't about relationships and romance. It's about learning to grow into the person we're supposed to be. Not other people, one person; you.

I'm leaving soon, thank God. Then maybe this will all be gone. The history will always remain but at least no one will be around to remind me of it. I just wish my life was like the way media portrays it to be. Not everything has a happy ending. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone wants to live. Not everyone is not alone. I just wish there was someone to save me. I know that's meant for a later date (aka marriage) but maybe someone to hold me up for the mean time. I know I don't need it, but it's nice. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Most people go years without being with someone. I know I could too but I'm just in love with being in love.

Wasting Away

"the best thing that has ever happened to you;
you know I wanna be it."

I feel like a part of me is missing. I used to have a purpose, a reason to live. Now I just feel broken and empty. There is a hole in my heart that needs to be filled and every person that comes along just makes it deeper and wider to the point where I can't feel anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. All I feel like I can do is sulk and I know better then that. Emptiness is unbearable. This is unbearable. Some days I feel like I'm just wasting away.

you disappeared but the history is still here...

Silence

"i'm broken when i'm lonesome and
i don't feel like i am strong enough."

I remember it well...
the days like the one today would be perfection.
I would skip school for you; you would lie for me.
You welcomed me with open arms into the bed
and we would hold each other as the warmth of
our bodies united. Kisses were exchanged every
where and the silence was often broken by short
giggles and whispers of "I love you." We knew it
was wrong, but it felt so right. Our eyes would
close and our breathing would become slower
but more heavy. We'd fall asleep in each others
arms in the silence. The silence of perfection.
I wish I could experience that with someone new
but for now I'm left to sleep alone...

it's not you i miss... just the feelings we shared.

Goodbye

"oh I do believe in all the things you say."

In an instant you're gone.
Was it all my fault? Was I the reason I lost??
I couldn't have helped falling for your eyes, that smile I adored, the things you said. It's not my fault you were so damn adorable. So what now? I will wait but was going through all of this worth it? Will it all be worth it in the end?

"there will always be a chance for us"

It's always on my mind. I know better then to dwell on it. She had her chance, where's mine? I remember when you'd drive to my house in the middle of the night... I remember how it's never going to happen again. This is as real as it gets. This isn't a fairy tale. Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. I should have known.
We all have so much faith and hope in people. Everyone lets us down. Will there ever be a chance in life or us to meet one decent person? I doubt it. We're all mad here.

The secret it out. Goodbye.

Apology

"feels like I've been awakened, every rule I had you breakin'.
it's the risk that I'm takin'. I ain't ever gonna shut you out."

Apologies are never what they used to be anymore. They're just words just like "I love you." I'm sorry... means nothing. Forgiveness is the disposition or willingness to forgive. To forgive is ceasing to feel resentment again. This shouldn't be lightly handled with.

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from. Am I going to learn from this? Will you learn from this?

All I can say is that I'm truly sorry. I need forgiveness. This is not what I wanted even if I said I didn't know what I want. I want you to be happy and if you are then let's do this. Let's take an uncontrollable leap of faith together.

Feelings

"I should have never thought of you, of you. you're pushing

and pulling me down to you but I don't know what I want."

I never know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so concerned about doing the right thing I forget that I have my own happiness to think of. I'm sure my happiness is not worth the expense of someone else's but everyone deserves to be happy at some point right? I don't know what I want. I have too many feelings and I'm sick of listening to my heart instead of my mind. I'm smarter then that. I know better then that.

I need to reinvent myself. I can't wait to get out of here. I need to learn to stop and just think about myself and my future instead of minor things. Nothing really matters anymore. I'm always so damn confused. Contimplating this and that. I don't want to mess anything up yet I want what I want when I want it. That's how it always is. We all want something and we all fight for it if we have the guts. I can't fight for this. I shouldn't fight for this. Fuck this blog.

Time

"why can't it be? no two people feel
the same way at the same time."

One thing I definitely don't understand is the human attraction to one another. Some people I'm shocked are even together, some I'm shocked aren't together. If someone likes you then you're obviously attractive... so why can't the person you like feel the same way about you? Why doesn't anything work as easy as the media portrays it to be? Everything is full of false hopes and unattainable dreams. When is it our chance to feel this way? Yes, we are young and naive, but the wait and those who come in and out in between are unbearable. I suppose when that moment in time comes the wait will be worth it, but I want it now. I was in love and he loved me back for the first time in my life. That feeling is undeniable, indescribable. I want that feeling back. When is my chance? When is our chance?

Everyone deserves this. No one deserves to be alone no matter how shitty or selfish they are. A chance at love will make your life bloom. It's almost as if you are starting over. You grow together, you learn together, you live together.

I mean it when I whisper, "forever."

Où vous êtes l'amour?

"passionate love."

I am so sick of everyone thinking love is a game. It's thrown around to the point where the words have no meaning. Nothing has meaning anymore. "I love you" doesn't mean shit. Day by day it's carelessly thrown around.

What do we do now?

If each of these trials carries me closer to someone's side, never would I choose another path. I'd be theirs. No one else could touch my heart. They would hold every inch it has to offer. They could capture me with their sunflower eyes and hold me there for days. I'd love everything about them. I'd feel like I’m finially standing on steady grounds with someone, and it’s the best feeling that I would ever experience. And we'd both mean it when we whispered "forever."

It's time for a change. Everything is looking up from here.

Questions

Despite what i’ve been told, solitude is not my fate. I look around and I find endless possibilities, endless chances, just waiting to be stumbled upon. Even after up and changing my life, again, i find that i am so close to being alone.

There are so many things I do not understand. Why is everything a challenge, why have words lost their meaning, why do I always have to be the one to hear the things I shouldn’t? The consistent fighting of my parents is unbearable. I try to not show it, but it’s so clear in my eyes.

“If anything happens, you’re coming with me.” she stated.

Of course I’d go with her, there’s no question about that. The only question is why did she say that. It’s obvious what’s going to happen, just so hard to admit. She shouldn’t have to say those words. She shouldn’t have to drink glass after glass and smoke herself to death. Her faith is barely helping her hold on. This is undeserving. This is not something we both have to go through. Yet every second I find myself closer and closer to being alone.

The questions continue…
will he do the same to me? Will it happen soon or in the near future? How much is this situation seriously affecting me? I can’t see it, but I know everyone else can. There’s always something wrong, always something broken. Always something that’ll leave us alone.

Five

1. be more honest, especially with myself.
2. stop worrying about trivial things.
3. work on the tendencies brought out by my jealousy.
4. learn to go to bed early.
5. forgive.

First

“life has a tendency of keeping us on our toes. even when we’re free falling, no where near the surface.”

This is my first post & I suppose I’ll give this thing a go. I’ve never been one much for writing in journals, typing is always easier. I suppose I could’ve used something easier but not many people know about this site making my words more personal and less public. Here’s a start to a new beginning.